GOP Convention Preview

 There is so much secrecy around the plans for the GOP convention next week. Actually they are shocked at the decency, honesty and empathy that the Dems put together, and Kellyanne called me frantically to get ideas for next week. I asked if they are also looking to have heartwarming and heart breaking acts like the 11 year old girl who’s mother was deported, or the stuttering boy? Or did they only want to appeal to their base of racists, misogynists and rubes. She said they prefer the latter strategy.

So here is my top secret preview of what the GOP will show us next week.

- the GOP was impressed by the Zoom session anchored by Cory Booker with all the Dem primary candidates showing they are now united behind Biden. So they plan to have a Zoom session of all the Trump campaign criminals now in jail, showing they are still united behind Trump.. Kellyanne wanted my opinion about whether Bannon or Manafort should anchor it, as they had both been campaign chairmen. I suggested someone from MS 13. They will soon have Trump 13 anyway, and could put up a football team with substitutes.

- to counter all those Dem women and women of colour, there will be a session by recent Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Rush Limbaugh to talk about racism and misogyny. It will be titled “Black and Brown Sluts” in memory of his attack on Sandra Fluke that Dotard’s base really loved. It should get them cheering.

- to counter the children at the Dem convention, the GOP will showcase children from the cages, talking about how nice life was in them, including such tasty ice cream (though Dotard got 2 scoops for every scoop a child got). This session will be hosted by Stephen Miller sitting on a child’s head.

- after a frantic search, the GOP has found the remaining 6 “suburban housewives”. They will appear together in prim dresses and talk about how nice and rewarding it is to spend the day cooking his favorite meal for the hardworking breadwinner expected home in the evening. This session is expected to make millions of conservative women nostalgic for the good old days.

- to counter all the things Biden said he learnt from his dad, there will be a workshop on “how to grab a pusxy”.  This will be hosted by Don Jr, with useful tips he learnt from his dad. To increase the excitement on Fox News, they are looking for a puszy-grabbee, but so far no women have volunteered. The workshop could also serve as the start for Trump University 2 (see below)

- thought is being given to the acceptance speech being made by Putin. In exchange for the honor, he will hand over the pee tape and all existing copies to Trump in a glittering ceremony. The tape will be handed over to Ghislaine Maxwell for safekeeping. As a bonus, Putin will also poison any Democrat of Trump’s choosing.

- in a further bow to his boss, Trump saying “the cure for covid is here” will get ceremoniously injected with Putin’s vaccine.

- the Talevangelicals will hold a countrywide Zoom prayer session anchored by Father Pence, imploring Jesus to come down to the stage and anoint Trump. But Jesus is reportedly hesitant to support a racist pusxy-grabber, and has warned that he will not answer their prayers. Satan is willing to stand in for him, as he has for the last 3 1/2 years.

- Biden and Kamala showcased their children and grandchildren. I warned against showcasing the Trump Grifter Family. You don’t want to highlight thugs like Junior and duds like Eric. And while Ivanka’s daughter can recite a Chinese poem, that may not be what the rubes want to see before her granddad rants about the Chinese virus

Also under consideration

- Dotard actually shooting someone on 5th Avenue. Still undecided is whether it should be a black man, a Mexican or a Muslim from a shxthole country
- announcing the relaunch of Trump University, with degrees in Crookology and Griftology
- in case Putin forgets to bring a vaccine along, Trump getting injected with bleach or swallowing a whole packet of hydroxychloroquine live

So much to look backward to next week.