I beg your pardon

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We all know about the vaccine race.

A bit less visible is the pardon race, with thousands lining up to get a pardon from Trump before he is kicked out of the White House on Jan 20th. To see how difficult and desperate that race is, I decided to ask for a pardon myself.

In some ways, both races are similar. Earlier this week, the CDC met to decide who would get the vaccine first - a fraught decision with political ramifications. After much discussion, they decided the first recipients would be essential frontline workers (in health care and retail).

Also this week the TCC met to discuss who should get a pardon first- also a fraught decision with political ramifications. As Andy Borowitz put it, “The White House is facing the daunting task of distributing thousands of pardons to those who are desperately in need. In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons, the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential frontline criminals.”

(never heard of the TCC? That’s the Trump Criminal Committee)

According to Andy

“These essential criminals have risked imprisonment day in, day out, for the good of President Trump,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “They need to be immunized, so that they can continue their important work.”

The announcement immediately raised concerns among frontline criminals, who fear that their swelling numbers, believed to be in the tens of thousands, could mean that there would not be enough pardons to go around.

And how right Andy was. When I called Kayleigh to put in my request for a pardon, I was told I would have to get in line like everyone else, and would get a number so that I could follow online the progress of my pardon. I was a bit shocked to get the number 63488, but then I realized the scale of the problem. I also received a password and an alternative password in case I forgot the first one (like you get with your SIM card).

The password was PASSWORD

The alternate password was IWONTHEELECTION

So I logged into the CPPS (Confidential Presidential Pardon System) with my number and Password and voilà - there it was, with Status - Pending.

I then had a nagging suspicion about those passwords, what with all the tech geniuses working in this administration. So I tried to log in again with Nr 1 and PASSWORD to see who was topping the list.

And Voilà again - up popped Rev. Jerry Falwell, well known Talibangelical and fraud, who believes God will send all Gays to Hell, but will welcome people who enjoy watching their wives doing it with others. However, I saw immediately that his chances for a pardon were low, as Dotard had scribbled in black Sharpie - “Why should I pardon the bxstard when he didn’t allow me to share in the fun”. Unlike my friend Epstein.

Nr 2 and PASSWORD - voilà again, Steve Bannon.

I only hoped that if others were also wise to this, they wouldn’t search all the way up to 63488 and lump me with this band of racists, bigots and grifters.


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