Senate Trial

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 Dotard’s Senate trial begins on Tuesday.

It does remind me a bit of Kafka’s famous work The Trial (Der Process), written 100 years ago. I have written about Kafka before, so you may be right to fear that more is coming. Kafka is one of the few writers to have a new word derived from his name - kafkaesque denotes something eerie, unusual, scary, intimidating, something we are incapable of understanding. Kafka’s Trial is like that, and in a way, so is Dotard’s.

Seeing a number of frantic missed calls from my old friends Kayleigh and Kellyanne, being  the good-natured and helpful person I am, I decided to call them back. They sounded desperate, as Trump was losing reputable lawyers left and right, and was only left with the dregs of the trade. I pondered telling them my favorite lawyer joke that I told here some time ago, but decided it probably wasn’t the right time for them to be able to appreciate it and have a good laugh.

So K&K wanted to know whether I would be willing to be the defence lawyer next week, and use my considerable rhetorical skills to get the Dotard out of trouble. My first reaction was to tell them that while I had made many mistakes in life, defending a racist, thuggish, bigoted nincompoop is not going to be added to the list. 

But being good-natured and helpful, as noted above, I pointed out the problems with their Plan. The Senate trial is like a court proceeding, and only lawyers can defend the accused, and I did not have a law degree. They said they could quickly arrange one for me from Trump University, and I would have it in time. I thought of saying that that degree could come in useful if there is a shortage of toilet paper again, but being g-n and h, I let it pass.

Next came the question of compensation and I mentioned that Dotard is well known for not paying his bills, and I would need to be paid up front. They proposed a pre-payment of $ 250K, and would get Trump to sign a cheque immediately. I said I have zero confidence in Trump’s cheques bring honoured, and would rather be paid in wine, suggesting delivery by Monday morning to my home of 
- a case of 1999 DRC Romanee Conti and
- a case of 2005 Chateau Petrus

I was sure they probably thought they were getting away cheaply and wouldn’t know that that would exceed $ 250K, but as it happened, they had no idea what I was talking about. I then realized that when you work for a guy who doesn’t drink (even Dotard has 1 “good” trait), probably all you know about is Coke and Pepsi. But I wasn’t interested in a case of 1999 Coke. Or 2005 Pepsi, for that matter (sorry, Indra).

They said they would get the MyPillow guy to call me and convince me to take this on. i mentioned in passing that I wouldn’t take payment in pillows either, possessing enough of them already.

When the MyPillow guy called, I could see his pillows were pretty useless as he sounded like he hadn’t slept for days. He said he had spent the last 5 days (and nights presumably) making a 3 hour film proving election fraud. He would send it to me to use in the defense. I said I had no time to watch such a long film, and he should send me the trailer only.

I got a 1 hour excerpt, but 15 minutes later he wanted to know what I thought of it. I said that it was so full of (human waste) that I was glad I had got it in digital, and not physical form, as I would have promptly tried to flush it down the toilet and then have had to call a plumber to unclog the whole thing.

He apparently took that as great praise (Trumpkins love human waste) as a 2 hour version of his film was shown on OAN last night. Youtube took it down immediately after it was put up there, but rest assured you are not missing a masterpiece. It is no Citizen Kane or Casablanca. The Late Night hosts will probably have good fun with it tonight, and SNL next week, so you can see spoofed bits of it if you want to.

In any case, after all that, I called Qayleigh and Qellyanne to tell them that as good-natured and helpful as I am, I unfortunately had to turn down the Dotard, and they could stop scanning the world for that 1999 DRC. Perhaps they should just stick with Rudy, once he has finished tucking in his shirt.